My burnout anniversary

What I've learned this past year

waves crashing in the distance. how burnout looks like from a year later

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Last year at the beginning of summer, I was in the depth of my burnout. Burnout of being the person I was ‘supposed’ to be instead of the person I truly am. It was not the result of overworking in my job, but more about me pushing myself hard in my personal and work life to reach some twisted ideal I conjured up in my head. I wanted to be the perfect employee while I hated my job and I wanted to be the perfect mom while it caused me and my family pain when I couldn’t reach it. I was doing a lot of yoga, dabbled with healthy foods, meditated, did the Artist’s way, started to journal but no wellness routine could curb my anxiety and I just couldn’t continue the way I did before.

I can’t give an exact date when burnout ‘started’ because it’s more like a process than an actual breaking point but an agile training I attended at my former job definitely made me realise something is deeply wrong. I knew then that I could not pretend anymore that this is something I find valuable. I succinctly remember when I reached the point of no return. I met with a friend for a cocktail and we ate some pad thai afterwards at 9 pm. You know, grownups’ afterparty. And once we parted ways, I had so much nervous energy in me that I decided to walk, instead of going straight home. I didn’t know where I would stop and I ended up walking the whole of Margaret Island in Budapest. It was dark already and the island is not so well-lit, so I ended up walking through pitch dark places, like I finally started to venture into dark parts of me I could no longer escape from and was equally frightened by. I walked on and on, thoughts swirling in my head on repeat how I didn’t know what to do, how I could make myself feel less miserable. Once I reached Áprád bridge, suddenly it clicked. I had to get out of my job to have time for me. When next Monday comes, I will ring my GP and they will sign me off for sick leave and then I’ll have some time and head space to figure out what’s next. I had to press pause and this was my first idea how. I wanted to make this decision stronger so I visualised that I will celebrate this milestone with a friend I was due to fly to Lisbon the following week, even though there was nothing celebratory about my state.

My burnout experience was very personal and I do think that everyone’s is unique. I don’t think you should have a checklist of things before you can call such an experience burnout. If you break, if you suddenly can’t continue the life you lived for years, when you feel suffocated in your own misery, when you can’t change course quickly, when you’re out of energy, you’re burnt out in my opinion. You don’t have to work 12-14-16-20 hour days to be burnt out. You can burn out by the mean voice in your head you christened Nelly, constantly bullying you to be a better person already, resulting in severe anxiety gripping you tightly like barbed wire. My job wasn’t that demanding and I worked 6 hours a day. What was hard though is that I hated every minute of it after I went back from maternity leave. I procrastinated hard, harder than I ever did before and I tried to put a facade on how I’m on top of things. It was exhausting and no one asked me to do this. And pair that with the ideal of being some Instagram perfect mother who turns her life around while her kids sleep, a mother who is the epitome of calm and self-regulation. I just couldn’t, I collapsed. My body said no.

How did burnout feel?

My whole body was tied in a knot and I could not get free. My body was constantly vibrating at the edges a bit. Ever so slightly and locking me in. Thoughts were going haywire about how bad I was. How bad the future was. I could not see the forest from a few trees blocking my view. My anthem during this phase became ‘God Forbid I’m Bad’ from Bishop Briggs. Everything I did then felt like I was doing something bad but turned out to be good in the end. I had times when I just couldn’t get up from bed because I was so exhausted and there were times when I couldn’t stop walking because I wanted to get rid of all that bad energy. The only temporary respite I got from this was when I was doing yoga. I kid you not, I had days when I had zero energy, I was spending most of it in bed but when I stepped on my mat and I did a whole sequence of 20-30-40 minutes of yoga with ease, I felt my power within only to collapse back onto my bed afterwards and not being able to get up. Something was trapped in me and I could not let go of it yet.

I was visiting a friend in Lisbon last June and in the mornings I went for a walk before she and her boyfriend woke up. I could not sleep past 6 am because I was used to getting up early due to my then 21-months-old toddlers and I just physically couldn’t sleep more. I was in a phase where I just could not stop so I went for walks in the mornings and I found myself on the ocean coast. It was a beautiful day, the sun was shining, warming my skin, the waves roared loudly and peacefully, light gorgeously glistening on its surface. I was wearing my best outfit of leopard print skirt and some white top with my great-grandma’s necklace around my neck and a sun hat on. But for the love of me, I could not enjoy it. I sat down on a bench and I felt a breeze sweep through my face and body. Nothing. I didn’t feel any lighter. If the chaos is immense inside there is no outside wonder that could pull you out. I took selfies to capture this moment to look back later on. To remember this. Sometimes I do this when I’m especially low and it makes my heart ache for those past versions of me. And from the photos, you can’t really tell that I was in the deepest valleys of my burnout. Just check them out.

that selfie I took on the ocean coast

Because of my then recently diagnosed Hashimoto’s (an autoimmune disease of the thyroid), if I exude too much energy, I would not be able to function physically later and during burnout I had the lowest energy reserve I ever had. I actively feared what I would be able to physically do onwards. I looked up a yoga instructor course mid-summer and I feared applying because I had no idea if I would be able to attend a class for 7-8 hours a day or whether I would feel sick during a 90 mins yoga practice. I feared to apply but I did in the end because ultimately I feared stillness more, of not taking steps towards my dreams. During the course, there were times when I was exhausted after a class or a day at the course and I could not properly function afterwards. Sometimes I had to have a sleeping day after a Sunday course when my kids were at nursery. I remember when I went to a vinyasa krama class and while I enjoyed the more rigorous practice during it, I was exhausted for two days afterwards. And while I pushed myself over the edge so many times physically during my recovery, I’m grateful that I did. Otherwise, I would not have learned two very important things. First, it’s a phase and if I keep going, I’ll get stronger and I am way stronger now both physically and mentally. Now I can easily host a 90 mins of yoga class without feeling exhausted afterwards, not just attend a 90 mins class as a visitor. And second, I have a tool at my disposal, my Hashimoto’s, who lets me know whether I’m looking after myself. Whenever I overexert myself physically the exhaustion that follows alert me to slow down and rest and think through what I would do differently next time. I’m sad I had to neglect myself for so long to live with a life-long autoimmune disease but I’m grateful that I finally listen to my body.

What were the key ingredients in my recovery and my healing journey?

• My always supportive husband even there were times when I wasn’t nice to him. I can’t possibly thank him enough for how supportive he was throughout all of this. Brb I have to cry.

• Leaving my programming career behind (you can read about it here), resigning from my job and dedicating time for myself, for my healing.

• The Artist’s Way’s teachings and journaling almost every day (I wrote about it here). I went into the depth of my thoughts and feelings and putting them on paper released me from them. I will post about journaling in a separate post later because I think it is an immensely healing tool.

• Writing. Writing this substack. Writing the novel I’m working on. Every time I put something on paper, new possibilities arise and I get more closer to my authentic self.

• I grieved relationships that never happened and I grieved relationships that ended because I wasn’t emotionally mature to care for them.

• Yoga and meditation

• Finding connections everywhere. On the playground talking to a random mom or chatting up at the stationary shop about a cute notebook a stranger was holding or complimenting someone’s outfit I liked. It gives me lovely doses of oxytocin and the world became a genuinely more welcoming and lovely place as a result of this.

• I let go of a lot of stuff I didn’t use and I became a pro Vinted seller

Everything was so healing this past year. I learned to lean into discomfort, that I needed to take steps towards my dreams, dreaming about them kept me in a loop that led me nowhere. I had intense dark periods where I was struggling with issues, these lasted from days to even weeks but every time I got through them, it always opened way to a lighter period than the one before. My boundaries started to solidify but they’re not yet firm, I must add. I watched a shitload of Taylor Swift videos. I gave new life to my plants whom I neglected the past few years. I bought the most insane Lucy and Yak clothes which are now my essential clothing brand (hey Lucy and Yak! I have like 27 subscribers and a few friends on Instagram who watch my insta stories, please contact me to be your ambassador I’m so ready to receive free clothes from you!). I restarted the Artist’s Way and I forged it to work for me in this phase of life. I became softer, I cry a lot to release and I’m embracing my gentle side. I started to listen to my body. I started to take care of my Hashimoto’s, including my diet. Even though I could collapse back into those bulldozer vibes, I’m not beating myself up for them either. I started to reply more quickly to messages. I strive to squash the time between an idea pops into my head and me acting on it. What I mostly did is I took the next steps on the road and tried to slow down. I didn’t know that every energy, wish, desire I suppressed, I was just making myself ill in the long run. I thought I was disciplined to only do things that were ‘worth’ doing. Like a job, or being the perfect parent, like that exists. I had unrealistic expectations of myself, who and how I should be. And it was time to slowly shed all that rubbish off.

How am I compared to last year?

In short, much much better. But I’m not healed or a perfect human being. I’m still deeply flawed and have a long journey ahead of me. But my anxiety only pops up when there’s a new challenge I’m resisting and leaves when she’s done the job of letting me know. I’m more calm and resilient. I can go through my toddler’s meltdowns with ease most times. I’m accepting of my darker parts, when I’m an activated ovestimulated bomb. I have more of an idea how to soothe and regulate my emotions. I have learned that if I act authentically on my desires I will become lighter and lighter. 

I feel distant from that person I was a year ago but I am also protective of her. This time of year, the beginning of summer is always hard for me. Summer is associated with joy and fun which I’m not but I aim for and the intense heat always jolts me into hard times. This year is no exception. A month ago I feared that if I don’t pay attention I would slip back into burnout feelings again. Fortunately I could now take care of myself and those hard feelings dissipated.

It’s really tricky to sum up a year’s valuable experiences in one post so this is so far from including everything. I don’t want to seem like I have it figured out too. Because I’m not. I’m still scathed by long-forgotten wounds and patterns. I still have lots to learn but mostly unlearn. Burnout extinguished a life that was not suited for me. Blazed it with fire so rampant it did hurt a lot but left a fertile ground from where new seeds could sprout. I believe everything was already inside me. I had a cover-up personality which kept me safe until it didn’t I had to let go of. And I’m bidding her farewell bit by bit.

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